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The Dark Side Of The Mood

Ironically, this post, following one about maintaining my perspective, is all about losing it. But then again, some might say that the optimistic, reflective, well-intentioned tone of the majority of my more personal posts are delusional, while posts like this reflect a more sober take on the realities we all face. I’m not clear on which is ‘right’ at this moment, but I am clear on the fact that right now, I’m in one hell of a shitty mood and my outlook and attitude are bitter, angry, and aggressively defensive.

I’ve hesitated writing this, because it’s not necessarily the type of thing I want to be remember by, yet at the same time, it’s real. And I expect I’m not alone in being somebody who’s perspectives and thoughts run the gambit from one extreme to the other. Am I? I don’t know anybody that’s always walking around functioning at that perfect mid-point of harmony with fulfilled and realistic expectations, and ‘never get me down’ perspective. Well, nobody not belonging to a religious cult, at least. And even they let slip once in awhile.

Although there’s definitely work involved in a typical weekend, I usually find them to be something of a break, and an opportunity to rejuvenate, if not just a retreat for a moment from the onslaught of the daily grind that is the work week. I like to start my Monday off feeling like I have some sort of ‘clean slate’ and ‘refreshed take’ on the workload and routine ahead. But not this week. Today, I feel frazzled, frayed, and frantic. I’m both wound up and worn down. I’m angry and anxious, and my sense of frustration has me muttering ‘asshole’ under my breath when somebody inadvertently causes me to miss a stoplight or fails to recognize that, by pulling over just 2 inches, I could have made that right hand turn.

Why the sour face? I guess I just hit a breaking point. I don’t feel capable to do anything with complete attention and focus. And as such, I feel like everything is half-assed and never completed.

That being said, I can’t say that my situation is really unlike anybody else who’s got a full time job, little/no family help at home, a behavior problem with twin toddlers that’s probably the result of my own limited parenting skills, a home-search under way, pressures to bring home more money or extend the funds we do have, pressure to ramp up on engineering skills and perhaps take a class or two in the evenings, pressure to read up on numerous articles and websites that can help with the kids, phone calls and negotiations around home purchase offers, struggles with still living partially out of boxes and partially in an environment and circumstance where just ‘finding’ something I need requires shuffling on, over and between towers of cartons, bins and baskets, the constant needs of two children for more attention than is reasonable but less then they’ve become accustomed to, a constant desire and need to give my wife enough of a break from her own chaos that she’ll still be there the following day when I return home from my workday, and of course, finding time for the one creative and comforting outlet I have, which is writing for this website. Not to mention a long list of ‘to-do’ items that include important medical appointments, addressing long-expired license plates, and numerous other personal tasks that would require a full week off and away from any/all other demands just to get caught up on.

So, in a nutshell, I’m at a breaking point, and the weekend felt like trying to swim upstream against a rushing current of urine, as if the gods just opened up and pissed on all my plans and needs for just a modest break from the chaos. I guess that’s what I get for asking for a break in my ‘Alarming Frustrations‘ post.

I know it’ll turn around and I’ll get some control over things but for the time being, control feels as elusive to obtain as a grip on a greased eel, and my own distorted perspective and persecution complex has me seeing every roadblock as one being maliciously set in place, specifically to thwart any progress on my part, and not just another in the myriad of complexities and difficulties we all must encounter in our lives.

I’m know not alone, I do understand that consciously, but my irritation level is so high right now that even if you wanted to say so, I’d probably be inclined to lash out and claim that you don’t have a f&#*ing clue about how hard it is to keep my head about water and who are you to give me advice anyway!??!

Nasty, eh? That’s why I’ll just close this with an apology for my poor reaction. I think I’ll turn off comments on this one, and we’ll see what the next 24 hours brings in the way of respite.

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Written by gsm

01/29/2007 at 9:36 am

Posted in  Journal 

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