False Products Bearing Witness

Having purchased something, anything, by mail, at any time in your life, seems to quickly lead to oodles and oodles of crap crammed into your mailbox. For me, I believe it started with that first order of x-ray glasses I found advertised in the back of Boys Life in my youth. Suddenly, our mailbox was stuffed with junk mail addressed to ‘Master Geoff Mitchell’. Anyway, junkmail is #41 in my list of 247 pet peeves, right after driving behind some large luxury car with a ‘trunk key’ cover that’s been left open. But that’s another story… what this is about, well, it’s about candy corn. FAKE candy corn.

The reading material in our home runs a broad range, everything from Vanity Fair, MacWorld, Good Housekeeping, and the occasional People magazine that escapes my deft proficiency with a paper shredder. But what we have the most of, overwhelmingly, is mail order catalogs, typically targeted towards technology, kids and home products. These things are hawking everything under the sun, from the insipid offerings of toilet tissue covers made from barbie dolls with knitted yard dresses that fit over a roll of Charmin, porcelain patio decorations shaped like a kitten playing with a ball of yarn that change colors based on forthcoming weather conditions, any and everything you can possibly imagine, personalized with your name or your kids name or “World’s Greatest Daddy”, to the clearly essential and greatly appreciated offerings of external hard drives, cables, cases and everything you can possibly imagine, personalize with “World’s Greatest Engineer”.

But Fake Candy Corn, well, bubba, that just crosses the line. And it really does exist, as the photo here shows.

What’s amazing to me is that, in simple terms, how much more ‘fake’ can candy corn be? I mean, really, what’s the difference? Both of them are plastic, dye and a blend of chemicals typically found in a yellow rain coat and a can of Penzoil. Or, wait, is that the butter flavor served up at the local cineplex? Perhaps both. When making the fake stuff, i can’t imagine that anything more then slightly tweaking the chemical blends is required.

The next amazing thing is that there’s an actual factory and business, somewhere, probably in some remote 3rd world country or perhaps in Kentucky, that makes this stuff. Seriously, a business that makes ‘fake’ candy corn. There’s a team of people that actually plan it’s production, figure out the molding, mix and determine the colors, QA it’s likeness to real candy corn, design packaging, manage a sales force, bag and ship this stuff.

To whom? That’s the final amazing thing. Not only is there a product, a production, but apparently a market for fake candy corn! Now, given that we all realize that the real stuff has the shelf like of a Twinky and is probably responsible for a high percentage of dental visits to address loose fillings, what exactly would motivate somebody to make the conscious decision to spend their hard earned cash on the fake stuff? Who are these people? And if they’re buying this crap, can you imagine what other little decorative trinkets are stored in seasonally labeled plastic bins lining their storage sheds or garage walls?

I’m all for some decorative touches during the holidays. I like the way my wife’s candles make the house smell when I walk in. I like when she puts flowers in vases, and as the seasons pass, the decorative touches of a dish of candy hearts, a pumpkin on the patio, corn ears on the door, a wreath…. they all are pleasant acents and are sincerely appreciated. I even like the idea of candy corn sprinkled around a candle in the early fall. It’s attractive, and it saves me a trip to the kitchen when i’m struck with the craving for wax. Hell, it pretty much belongs next to the candle when you really thing about it.

But i’d be pretty pissed off to reach in and start chomping on the fake stuff. If I could even tell it was fake. But then perhaps that’s what the candle’s for: light it, and it’ll function as a warning and as an access barrier for the unknowing.


Written by gsm

10/17/2006 at 6:00 am

Posted in  Miscellaneous 

2 Responses

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  1. What would be really cool is if the candle scent was candy corn. That would be just yumilicious.
    And when you describe the festive touches your wife adds to the house (which my wife does also) – I got to wonder what our homes would look like if we did not have women in our lives. I am guessing pretty spartan – functional, but spartan.


    10/17/2006 at 10:36 am

  2. Well, Just to let you know, maybe a couple of years too late, I am one of those people who is looking for and has been searching for those little fake candy corns. Yes, probably hard for you to believe, but they are hard to find….at least the very real looking ones are very hard to find. Doing my search for fake candy corns is how I happened across your website… Since it’s been two years since you posted this page, maybe you don’t have any idea, but was wondering if you or your wife remembers what store or catalog you found those candycorns. Thanks, Bonnie


    10/04/2008 at 2:22 pm

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